TAKOMA PARK, MD – City residents were disappointed this week when the TPSS Co-Op announced its Earth Day Celebration would be held on the store’s adjacent asphalt parking lot, making it very difficult to drive to and park at the event.
“I would have liked to attend, but now it’s just so inconvenient for me,” said Susan Mills, who had just finished rewatching An Inconvenient Truth. “I mean, what’s the point of celebrating Earth if I have to park on another planet?”
Temperatures are expected to be quite warm during the event, but not just from the Heat Island Effect. Lack of free parking has always been a hot-button issue for these “crunchy granola” folks, who strongly believe we must take action to address the climate emergency as long as they still get to enjoy easy suburban living. Though they strongly support banning fossil fuels, they also claim the inability to drive and easily park close to organic food and free music events would “destroy Takoma Park as we know it.”
“Nobody talks about the real endangered species, which is free parking spaces,” said Mills. “Last I checked, my gas-powered 1993 Subaru has been here longer than most people. What about its rights?!”
When informed that there is plenty of free parking in the neighborhood for people willing to walk just a few blocks, Mills shrugged. “I just wish the party planners had been more considerate of the time and effort I spent decorating my car with pro-environment bumper stickers, and now nobody will be able to appreciate it.”
