CHEVY CHASE, MD – Keeping in character with its wealthy, single-family neighborhood, the new public library in Chevy Chase has decided to ban books referencing the planning and construction of high-rise affordable housing projects.
“We love everything about our library, but we can’t allow books that indoctrinate people into believing that Chevy Chase should have apartment buildings,” said Hugh Walker, 72. “And if our librarian can’t afford to live here, then maybe they should have thought about that before choosing a useless career that pays shit wages.”
The move comes after a group of Chevy Chase residents led a successful protest to derail reconstruction of their existing library with additional stories of affordable housing above. Even though the library site is located near a future Metro station and already surrounded by other tall apartment buildings, protestors claim the proposed design would turn Chevy Chase into a blighted neighborhood, along with other alternative facts found in the fiction section.
“I consider myself a Dewey Decimal System Originalist,” said Virginia Gibson, a 46-year resident of Chevy Chase. “That means anything invented after its creation in 1885, including high-rise construction, has no place in our library.”
Emboldened by their defeat of multi-story rental housing, book ban supporters now argue that Chevy Chase’s children should be protected from all large scale things in any context, leading to the further ban of classics such as Jack and the Beanstalk, Paul Bunyan, and Clifford the Big Red Dog. Chicken Little, however, is still required reading.