TAKOMA PARK, DC – A thorough investigation into the constant barrage of late night fireworks over the last few weeks has concluded that the pyrotechnics were deployed on the direct order of the City of Takoma Park in order to fight off harmful 5G cell tower rays.
“5G rays are least active and most vulnerable late at night or in the early hours of the morning when most people are sleeping and not on the internet. That’s why we decided to release our bottle rockets at 2 AM,” said the City Manager. “Unfortunately, everyone gets woken up by the noise and gets online to start posting complaints, requiring us to retreat and repeat the attack the next night. It’s a vicious cycle.”
According to science, random internet research and the results of a cheap palm reading, 5G rays can be blocked through loud noise. Fireworks are generally seen as the loudest tool available, but yelling at council members can also be an effective noise-making method. Contrary to popular belief, posting articles on social media about the negative effects of 5G does nothing but spread more harmful rays, which is why the City faces this crisis today.
“We need to get people off the internet and off their cell phones if we want to end this emergency. That means not calling the police or emailing me with complaints about the fireworks,” said the Mayor. “The more you do those things, the more fireworks we must unleash the next night.”
Due to the fact that 5G extends beyond the city, Takoma Park officials have been coordinating their efforts with many other municipalities, creating a nationwide blitzkrieg of late night fireworks.
“It’s not a conspiracy theory. The government is definitely the one behind these fireworks,” said the Mayor. “I just hope that eventually residents will lose so much sleep that they’ll be too exhausted to write any more strongly worded complaints to us. When that day comes, I’ll sleep like a baby.”