Maryland Congressman Andy Harris Suffering From Insurrectile Dysfunction

WASHINGTON, DC – After being stopped by Capitol Police while attempting to carry a firearm through metal detectors at the US Capitol, Rep. Andy Harris (R-MD) became embarrassed by his inability to gain and hold an insurrection.

“His attempt was a total flop. He struggled the entire time when trying to pull his weapon out of his pants,” said one officer at the scene. “When he asked his Republican colleague for help, he was informed that the colleague wasn’t licensed to touch another man’s firearm.”

After admitting that there were only blanks in the chamber, Mr. Harris, who is known for exaggerating his ability to perform under pressure, threatened to “really whip out his piece” when coming to the Capitol the next day. His plan was quickly thwarted, however, when House Speaker Nancy Pelosi scheduled a late night vote on a stimulus package, something that Harris has never before been able to sustain.

When asked if Harris should be punished for threatening to rise up and possibly discharge his loaded weapon in the House Chambers, Pelosi dismissed his rhetoric as a cry for help. “Well, he’s from Maryland, so we thought maybe his anger issues had something to do with crabs,” she remarked. “But I doubt he holds any truly hard feelings towards me or his other colleagues. None of his complaints really stand up to scrutiny.”

Harris fired back in an attempt to escalate the situation. “If there’s one thing people know about me, it’s that I don’t go soft before finishing the job,” he said. “Pelosi can try to get under my skin by slapping me with excessive fines for disobeying her rules, but she’s mistaken if she thinks I can’t keep this up for much longer.”

After exiting the House floor with his forbidden weapon, Harris was later seen waiting in line at the Office of the Attending Physician. “While he’s here getting his second dose of the COVID vaccine, we’ll also give him a dose of Pfizer’s other most famous product,” said a medical aid who asked to remain anonymous. “As long as he knows to consult a physician if his insurrection lasts longer than four hours.”