WASHINGTON, DC — Among the many executive orders President Joe Biden signed on his first day in office, none may be more controversial than a directive to replace the so-called ‘Nuclear Football’, a briefcase which contains the secret codes for starting a nuclear war, with a Nuclear Soccer Ball.
“American football has a special place in our hearts, but we cannot deny it is an extremely dangerous sport,” said Biden. “By switching to a safer sport, we can demonstrate our commitment to protecting the global community, one that prefers soccer, even though they call it something stupid, like futbol.”
Instead of being transported by military vehicle, the Nuclear Soccer Ball will now be transported to the Commander-in-Chief via bulletproof, armored minivan with perfectly preserved two-year-old McDonald’s French fries still under the seats. A soccer mom will act as carrier of the mobile hub when the President is away from a fixed command center, while also making sure he stays well hydrated and seeing to it that everybody is “having fun.”
Republicans were predictably outraged by the change. “This is America. Soccer is a sissy sport for Socialist and Communist countries,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada to parents of Cuban heritage. “And here in the great state of Texas, football is as American as our dependence on foreign oil and love for Tex-Mex cuisine.”
Most world leaders were supportive, especially in Europe, Africa and Latin America, but remained cautiously optimistic about the news. “America has a long road to recovery in terms of fixing its image as the moral leader on the global stage,” said Charles Michel, President of the European Council. “We need to be convinced that America isn’t just about unchecked aggression and force. But if this Nuclear Soccer Ball is anything as potent as the US Men’s Soccer team, we have nothing to worry about.”