TAKOMA PARK, MD – Looking to make inroads with more liberal Democratic voters, New York City’s former mayor and soon-to-be former presidential candidate, Michael Bloomberg, donated three million dollars to expand and improve the city’s dog park.
In exchange for his generous donation, Bloomberg asked for and received full control of the facility, including the authority to create new regulations based on discriminatory theories about appropriate dog park management. Bloomberg then immediately created the controversial “Stop and Sniff” policy, allowing him to sniff the behind of any dog that enters the park without permission or notice.
“We all know that some dogs are going to misbehave,” stated Bloomberg. “I will decide which ones look suspicious, and get a deep inhale of those dogs’ behinds. That will tell me a lot about where they came from, who they hang out with, and what they just ate, and knowing that important information can help me prevent bad behavior.”
Not all residents were thrilled about the new dog park policy. Several recent visitors complained that it violated their dog’s rights. “This is an invasion of privacy,” said Linda Jackson. “Ruff Bader Ginsbark just wants to play with her friends, chase squirrels and poop in peace. She doesn’t need Bloomberg’s cold wet nose up all up in her business when she hasn’t done anything wrong.”
Bloomberg vehemently defended “Stop and Sniff”, claiming it has been “proven to create a safer, friendlier environment at the dog park,” and also falsely claimed that “95% of unwanted humpings, and humpers and humping victims are male pit bulls between the ages of 1 to 2.”
While Bloomberg is away on the campaign trail backpedaling from his racist policies as New York’s mayor, he has directed the Takoma Park Police Department to station several K-9 units at the park’s entrance to fulfill butt-sniffing duties in his absence.
Asked if he regrets creating “Stop and Sniff” right after the recent media backlash from his time as mayor, Bloomberg responded “…I led the most populous, largest dog park in the United States and got reelected three times, the public seemed to like what I do. And I really, really, really like what I do, too.”