January 6th Insurrectionist Demands Democrats ‘Get Over’ Election

PARENTS’ BASEMENT, UTAH – Self-described “patriot” and zip-tie enthusiast Randy McFlaggerson took to social media on the anniversary of the deadly capitol insurrection to demand that Democrats “get over” the results of the 2024 presidential election.

“Democrats need to stop crying and learn to accept the election results like real Americans,” McFlaggerson posted on his Truth Social account containing a profile picture of Mike Pence with a noose around his neck. “It’s time for these babies to grow up – after all, democracy only works when losers gracefully accept defeat.”

McFlaggerson, who once threw a tantrum on the floor of his local Cheesecake Factory because the waitstaff wouldn’t sing “Stop the Steal” for his birthday, now says it’s the Democrats causing all the division. “They’re just mad their guy didn’t win,” he added, conveniently sidestepping the part where he once tried to detain his neighbor’s labradoodle under suspicion of voter fraud.

When reminded of his extensive collection of T-shirts reading “MAGA Civil War 2021” and “Biden Cheated,” he waved it off. “That was different. We were defending the Constitution. They’re just being sore losers.”

McFlaggerson also dismissed his role on January 6th as “a peaceful day” of sightseeing, civic engagement, and replacing old windows on the building he owns. “Look, I spent a lot of my time in the woods practicing my survival skills,” he said. “So you have to understand I was just being resourceful when I took that dump on Nancy Pelosi’s desk.”