BALTIMORE, MD – In a move that has left many Marylanders stunned and others nodding in agreement, the United States Department of Transportation (DOT) has passed a new law requiring all Maryland drivers to permanently display “Student Driver” stickers on their vehicles.
“This isn’t a decision we’ve taken lightly,” said Martha Simmons, a spokesperson for the DOT. “We’d initially considered this measure for Florida, but after careful review, it was clear that Maryland was in more desperate need.”
The move comes after a series of unfortunate incidents involving Maryland drivers, including a recent debacle where a Baltimore resident mistook a pedestrian crosswalk for a newly introduced abstract street art. In another bewildering event, a Silver Spring man was found navigating the I-95 with a printed Google Maps route…from 2005.
“The ‘Student Driver’ stickers are designed to serve as a warning to other drivers, pedestrians, cyclists, and even low-flying birds,” said Simmons. “With this new measure, we’re hoping that everyone gives Maryland drivers the wide berth they clearly need.”
The announcement was met with a range of reactions from locals. “I can’t believe it’s come to this,” said a Bethesda resident, who had just parked her car on the sidewalk to make room for a passing squirrel. “It feels like we’re being singled out.”
However, some Maryland drivers have taken the change in stride. A Baltimore man, who had been using his sun visor to hold pizza slices, commented, “Honestly, it’s about time. I’ve been using my rearview mirror as a makeup vanity for years. Might as well add a sticker to the mess.”
In response to concerns about damaging the state’s reputation, Simmons assured that this was not the DOT’s intention. “We’re not saying all Maryland drivers are bad. Some of them are simply…learning, perpetually.”
Simmons concluded the announcement with a reminder that, while this law might seem extreme, the DOT is simply trying to prevent Maryland’s driving situation from further spiraling into a state of ‘Mad Max’ style anarchy. “But hey,” she added, “if this doesn’t work, we might just have to consider giving everyone bumper cars.”