ANNAPOLIS, MD – After rolling over in submission when Laura Ingraham and other prominent conservative commentators questioned his Republican credentials over the question of opening private schools during a pandemic, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan caved a second time to Montgomery County Republicans by giving Board of Education candidate Stephen Austin a new public school just for his own kids.
“I know last week I said that I would let counties make their own decisions with regard to public school operations,” said Hogan. “However, once a single Republican called me a moderate, I immediately had to overcompensate so they’d consider voting for me in the GOP presidential primary that is four years away.”
The Stephen Austin Local School for Neighbors will create a safe space where overcrowding will never be an issue, mainly because people want to socially distance from his racist statements on school boundaries. At the new facility, Austin can feel comfortable knowing that the school’s curriculum will exclude “extreme” views on diversity, such as acknowledging the concept of diversity, and the school’s administration will prohibit any “large scale social engineering experiments leading to brain cancer”, such as having kids take a bus to school.
“This will be a school that will never be shutdown for any reason, whatsoever,” stated Hogan. “Plus the cost of building this new school will be way cheaper than the donations our party has poured into trying to get Stephen Austin elected to office. We consider this a smart investment.”
Surprisingly, Montgomery County educational leaders did not reject the proposal immediately. “Look, no one wants to see this jerk get a victory,” said former BOE member Jill Ortman-Fouse about Austin. “But also, no one wants him to continue trying to impose his 1950’s-era racial mindset on our other schools. So maybe ‘quarantining’ him into a school district for one serves all of our interests.”
The forty five million dollar facility will be located in Carderock Springs, MD, close to the border of Virginia, where Austin can threaten to move if he ever sees a child from east county near his school property. Unfortunately, the campus will be located several miles away from his home, forcing his children to take a bus to get there.
