Panic Strikes as Yahoo Announces Listserv End

TAKOMA PARK, MD – After two decades of running an online bullying platform, Yahoo, Inc. has decided to #BeBest and greatly reduce its services for tearing neighborhoods apart by phasing out Yahoo Groups.

Yahoo Groups is one of the most commonly used platforms for local listservs throughout the country, as it is simplistic and out-of-date, much like the communication methods preferred by the neighborhoods they serve. The announcement took Takoma Park by storm as moderators stopped reading news about impeachment and turned their focus towards saving their communities from the End of Days.

“This is the worst thing to ever happen,” claimed Roger Denny, moderator of SoHo Takoma, the area South of Houston Ave that is in no way comparable to SoHo NYC. “If we lose our Yahoo Group, I’ll lose all my power and control. Who’s going to threaten censorship when someone praises a Republican idea?”

Facing a dire situation, the Mayor called a state of emergency and requested help from Governor Larry Hogan to rescue the city from the potential fallout. The request includes increased mediation experts, IT specialists, and FEMA (Federal Electronic Mail Assistance) trailers.

“The very fabric of this city relies on maintaining a passive-aggressive communication system where neighbors can throw shade in the privacy of their own homes,” stated the Mayor. “If you take that away, neighbors will be forced to work out issues face to face, and we just can’t have that.”

A spokesperson from Hogan’s office noted that Yahoo’s parent company, Verizon, has indicated a willingness to reinstate Groups if neighborhoods would commit to embracing 5G technology, but that suggestion immediately killed further diplomatic negotiations.

Listserv moderators have entered full panic mode. Some moderators have joined forces with others to create new alliances and find alternative platforms for their continued existence. The PEN Listserv teamed up with Inner Sligo (IS) and Takoma For All to create PENISforAll, a powerful conglomerate now working to establish itself as a Facebook group. Unfortunately, the group is struggling to find the right profile picture.

One neighborhood listserv, Hysteric Takoma, took steps to prevent an over-reliance on modern technology from destroying their communication system ever again. They erected an actual message board on Maple Avenue where residents can physically post their messages to their neighbors like “the good old days.”

“What dipshit built this kiosk without using reclaimed lumber?!” read one message taped directly over the rules and guidelines for civil discourse. Another message read, “Is this your dog’s?” with an attachment of a ziplock bag of feces below.

Within hours, thousands of posts filled the message board beyond capacity causing some residents to post on telephone poles and other locations. In response, the neighborhood is now considering a total flyer ban, including rummage sale notices and even lost pet signs.

“I really feel bad that Martha lost her dog, Ruff Bader Ginsburg,” said Gina Flowers. “But she needs to consider the aesthetics of our Historic District before applying tacky posters on our poles.”

It remains to be seen how the potential fallout will affect the community in the longer term. When asked if neighbors should use this opportunity to actually talk to neighbors directly about issues, Flowers replied, “That would be the end of Takoma Park as we know it.”

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