The Official Guide to Understanding Colored Halloween Pumpkins

Readers may be familiar with the recently popularized Halloween practice of placing a teal colored pumpkin on the front porch to let trick-or-treaters know you’re passing out sugar/gluten/allergy-free snacks. However, did you know there are now other colors you can paint your pumpkins to let visitors know more about what they can expect when they knock on your door? To assist in your holiday preparation, here is the Torch’s official Halloween Pumpkin Color Guide.

Yellow pumpkins: You have no clue what kids want. Armed with disgusting items like black licorice, Circus Peanuts, and Wax Coke Bottles, you’re crushing the souls of our nation’s youth one trick-or-treater at a time. Do everyone a favor: go back inside, turn off the porch light, and watch Nick at Nite reruns.

Green Pumpkins: You spent all day walking to the co-op, baking, and wrapping your treats in biodegradable corn paper. Let parents know that your treats are environmentally friendly while alerting kids to the need to spit out your disgusting gluten-free, tasteless granola bars on your front porch (that is, if they are even allowed to eat homemade treats).

Pink Pumpkins: Not just full size candy bars, but KING size candy bars! You’re rich and want everyone to know. But don’t allow people to just come and go! Invite them to stay and have a glass of Pinot Noir from your last trip to southern France while also getting the chance to admire your collection of 18th Century painted Venetian glass lanterns. Don’t call us; we’ll call you.

White Pumpkins: Time to take a stand against those heathens worshipping demons and witches. You’re going to stop little Billy, who is dressed as Harry Potter, from going to hell by passing out Jesus comics and rosaries. Then you’ll spend the rest of your evening watching Handmaid’s Tale because you think it’s a great vision for the country.

Orange Pumpkins: You basic bitch. Everyone knows you grabbed the few remaining bags of candy at Walgreens on your way home from work because you forgot today was Halloween. You didn’t have a bowl so you’re just grabbing candies right out of the bag they came in? Way to expend some effort. Your porch light is going off at 7pm sharp so you can watch Succession. You have no clue where your kids are right now.

Red Pumpkins: You’re the lone Republican in a city of government teat-suckers. No free hand-outs for lazy pre-workers. They’ll thank you later.

Black Pumpkins: Fresh from biting off the head of a live chicken, it’s now time to search for your next kill. You take Halloween to a disturbing level. Don’t worry about passing out candy because no parent would dare let their children near your front door. You still listen to Marilyn Manson and The Cure.

Glitter Pumpkins: Forget the kids. Your house is the ultimate afterparty for the neighborhood. People still talk about last year’s bash, when a scene from Eyes Wide Shut took place in the guest bedroom. Local politicians will never admit they attended. Password is “Fidelio”.

Other Pumpkins

Professionally Carved Pumpkins: Eye Roll. We all know you adore Martha Stewart, but curb your enthusiasm. Your yard has been decorated since late-August with skeletons, cobwebs, and a dozen other things you bought from Skymall. Your plastic tombstone should read “Here lies my dignity.”

Stacked Pumpkins: a pro-YIMBY (Yes In My Backyard) signal telling everyone you want to destroy the neighborhood with overcrowded tiny houses with six foot tall ceilings. Oh, and here’s some candy attached to a pamphlet on the benefits of low income housing in the neighborhood.

No Pumpkin: Let’s face it, you gave it your best shot. For years, not a single trick-or-treater has visited your house, probably because you live on a busy street flanked by old people who turn off their lights at 6pm. But that didn’t stop you. You still bought three bags of candy and put them in a giant festive bowl waiting for that first kid. Hoping this will be the year, you’re daydreaming about dumping that whole bowl in that lone child’s bag and being their hero. It won’t happen. Better go to the gym all week, because the only one eating all of that candy will be you. Just like last year. And the year before. that a knock? Nope. Just the Chinese food delivery guy.