Trump Threatens to Ban Quickbooks, Other Websites Deemed Unfair to Him

Days after announcing a ban of the popular video app TikTok, whose users have been behind several high profile humiliations of the President, Donald Trump has turned his attention to the potential banning of other online sites that he feels treat him unfairly.

“Quickbooks is clearly a liberal program designed by Silicon Valley tech geeks who clearly hate freedom,” said Trump. “Everybody knows I make the most money in the whole world. Nobody is better at making money than me. But Quickbooks seems to show my income much lower, which is fake news and illegal.”

Trump also went after TurboTax, saying that the program incorrectly determined that he owes millions in back taxes after disallowing numerous charitable deductions that were actually just payments made to himself. Trump claims the program, which is a simple calculator and in no way knowledgeable of a user’s personal life, is clearly biased against him because it used by millions of Democrats to calculate and file their own taxes.

“Except for a handful of trusted patriotic websites like Breitbart, Infowars, and Tulsi For President, the entire internet has always been unfair to me,” said Trump. “Even the Domino’s Pizza app always says my pizza will be here in 30 minutes when it always takes longer! Shut it down!”

Republicans, trying to balance supporting their leader with their alleged support for free speech, walked back the President’s claims, saying they have no interest in trying to ban websites.

“Look, the President is correct that Bill Gates and the rest of the interwebs has it out for the Republican Party, especially Trump,” said Senator Lindsay Graham (R-SC). “However, there’s no way I’m going to let him shutdown my Grindr account simply because he can’t handle a little criticism. Not on my watch!”

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