GRAND RAPIDS, MI – After almost two centuries of electing Democrats to run for president, the Democratic party shocked the nation by selecting a Democrat to lead the party once again in their impossible quest to win the presidency – something that has never been done aside from the 21 times it has happened since the party was established in the 1830’s.
The results are so wildly off-base that many non-affiliated voters are questioning the validity of the election process. “Why on Earth would the Democrats pick yet another Democrat? It makes absolutely no sense!” stated socialist Greg Brown. “There’s clearly something corrupt going on here.”
Brown then revealed the conspiracy board from his basement that shows all of the connections between the Democratic candidates with red yarn. The board, he says, proves that a corrupt operation took place in which most of the candidates were forced to pledge support to each other rather than to the one candidate who refused to join the Democratic Party.
Even though it’s unlikely that the decision will be reversed, non-Democrats have challenged the wisdom of allowing a life long Democrat to lead the party over an outsider who constantly tells the party what to do while refusing to actually join them.
“Think about it. The non-Democrat is obviously the better choice BECAUSE he’s not one of them,” stated Penny Giles. “You just can’t trust an insider.”
The bold choice by Democrats left many wondering if they want to lose on purpose, given their awful track record of winning the popular vote in five of the past six elections.
“Other than about 50 percent of the time, when has a Democrat ever won a presidential election?” asked Rosa Moggi. “Clearly, choosing yet another Democrat to go against the Republican never works. I know because it happened once out of the last three elections.”