Jesus Emerges From Tomb, Sees Shadow, Announces Six More Weeks of Quarantine

JERUSALEM – Jesus, Son of God and savior to more than two billion Christians, emerged from his tomb Easter morning, saw his shadow, declared six more weeks of quarantine and then returned for a much-needed nap, according to witnesses on Facebook Live.

“With the entire world unable to settle on a coherent pandemic response plan and the abdication of United States leadership, Jesus had little choice but to declare the continued quarantine,” said Matteo Bruni, director of the Vatican’s Press Office.

Easter, one of two days a year that Christians feel obligated to attend church, is a time when Christians around the world celebrate the resurrection of Christ. This year, Jesus is using his global platform to ask for much needed leadership on the global Coronavirus pandemic.

Echoing Jesus’ concerns, Pope Francis also expressed his disappointment with the world. “What more do you people want?!” he asked during his annual Easter Mass, conducted in front of a Zoom background image of St. Peter’s Basillica. “We even let you skip church for the past month and you STILL let us down.”

Saint Peter, speaking through an interpreter from beyond the veil of the physical world, said, “With the inspiration of God, we’ve empowered mankind to create science, medicine, and great global institutions like the World Health Organization. Still, some hold onto the false belief that the pandemic is a fabrication of the liberal media.”

Commenting on this departure from Easter tradition, televangelist Joel Osteen said, “If God wanted us to stay inside on Easter, he would not have created collection plates. The economy doesn’t stop and neither does Jesus.” Osteen continued, “Now excuse me, my congregation needs help obtaining unemployment benefits so they can continue paying tithes.”

Asked if Jesus might direct humanity to quarantine beyond six weeks, Saint Peter responded, “Jesus is hopeful that if we listen to our public health leaders, stay inside, and follow physical separation guidelines, we can return to normal life by Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game in mid-July.” He added, “And I’m also hopeful there will be a post-season where if we pray hard enough, we might finally see a Padres-Angels World Series.”