Takoma Park to Become Sanctuary City for Stumpy

TAKOMA PARK,MD – Upon hearing news of the National Park Service’s plans to kill Stumpy, DC’s favorite ugly cherry blossom tree, city officials gathered in an emergency session to approve a new law declaring Takoma Park a “Rescue Tree Sanctuary City,” and will replant the famous tree within the city limits for its own protection.

“Here in Takoma Park, we oppose ‘death with dignity’ for all forms of life, and therefore have made it illegal to euthanize any tree, even if it’s about to die and fall on a house at any moment” said the mayor. “Once here in the quiet suburbs, far from the noisy city, Stumpy will have the peaceful existence he’s always wanted: being forced to live while having thousands of annoying tourists take pictures of him.”

The city arborist plans to replant Stumpy right in front of the city’s other entity that somehow needs savings – the TPSS Co-op – which will be repaved with very expensive flexible asphalt to protect Stumpy’s critical root zone. In celebration of the decision, the co-op will give away “We Love Stumpy” commemorative hemp tote bags to anyone who signs their petition calling for the Montgomery County Historic Preservation Board to grant historic status to their property.

“The choice to place Stumpy at the co-op was strategic,” said the city arborist. “Every Spring, when his very few limbs blossom, people from all over the world will drive to Takoma Park, struggle to find parking, and then convince city councilmembers to block further attempts to develop anything near there.”

Transporting the old and fragile Stumpy from the Tidal Basin to Takoma Park won’t be easy. To ensure he survives the trip, the city hired a team of experts, including the nation’s top arborists, transplant surgeons from United Therapeutics, and holistic faith healers, to work around the clock using the latest technology in tree grafting tools, such as air spading hoses, watering cans and CO2 tanks.

“By God we will keep that tree alive, no matter what it costs,” said the city arborist. “It will likely mean that residents will pay even higher property tax increases, but the opportunity to give trees more human rights than actual humans is priceless.”