City Requires All Food Delivery Orders to Include One Extra Meal for Porch Pirate

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Responding to a recent string of food delivery thefts, the Takoma Park City Council voted unanimously to require residents ordering takeout to also purchase a second meal specifically intended for the neighborhood porch pirate.

The new Community Nutritional Equity Delivery Ordinance requires every DoorDash, Uber Eats, and Grubhub order to include what city officials are calling a Mandatory Pirate Dietary Unit, or MPDU, which must be left prominently on the porch with a handwritten note affirming the thief’s dignity.

Officials said the measure strikes the appropriate balance between addressing crime and ensuring nobody has to experience the emotional discomfort of suggesting that stealing is wrong.

“We asked ourselves, why is this person taking food?” explained one councilmember. “Then we immediately stopped asking follow-up questions because we were worried they might lead to heated debates on the Takoma Park Facebook Group.”

Under the ordinance, the designated pirate meal must be entirely vegan, locally sourced, organically grown, free-range, fair-trade, compostable, and contain no ingredients that could reasonably be interpreted as culturally appropriative. Residents attempting to satisfy the requirement with a fast-food value meal can face fines of up to $250 or mandatory attendance at a three-hour restorative justice circle.

“We’re not monsters,” said resident Emily Sanders while carefully labeling one paper bag “For My Family” and the other “For Our Valued Community Porch Pirate.” “Last week they accidentally stole my kids’ burritos. I felt terrible when I realized they had to eat dairy.”

Residents are encouraged to leave the pirate meal in the most visible location possible to avoid confusion. If the thief accidentally steals the family’s actual dinner, homeowners are reminded that they should reflect on whether their labeling practices unintentionally reinforced systems of inequality.

To streamline compliance, the city requires all delivery apps to display estimated arrival time of the porch pirate, and a second notification reading, “Your Porch Pirate has completed pickup.”

At press time, city officials clarified that each pirate meal must include a thank-you card, compostable utensils, and clear instructions on which of the four different curbside bins each item belongs in.