TAKOMA PARK, MD – Fire and Rescue had to use a helicopter to airlift 17-year-old Joe Brown out of a Takoma Park neighborhood yesterday after he found himself trapped by traffic calming rules that allowed no escape from a local street.
“This kind of rescue in that location has become increasingly common,” said volunteer fireman Peter Longhose. “The city constantly closes roads to prevent cut-through traffic, but in this case they accidentally formed a mysterious, unexplained phenomenon where drivers enter, but never come out. We call it Takoma Park’s Bermuda Triangle.”
Authorities were alerted to his plight by a TikTok video, where Brown munched on stale kale chips from his trapped car and lamented, “Adulting sucks.” One of his friends showed the video to his mom, who immediately called authorities.
Brown said he was just trying to get to a soccer field, but the usual route was closed for “migratory fall leaf peepers,” and he found himself in a maze of one way streets that led in circles with no escape. Then he got stuck on the narrowest road, wedged between bumped out traffic calming planters and hung up on an insurmountable speed bump.
“Dude, I’m only driving because my mom made me,” said the high school senior. “I could have been trapped there for days!”
Mom did not return calls for comment, but did manage to find time to make incessant listserv posts about the dangers of walking and biking to school.