Darth Vader ‘Scared For His Life,’ Acted in Self-Defense When Blowing Up Alderaan

A LONG TIME AGO IN AN INTERGALACTIC COURT ROOM FAR, FAR AWAY – Darth Vader admitted today to traveling across the galaxy armed with a Death Star in response to protests against the Galactic Empire, but testified he only used the high powered superlaser because he felt his life was in danger.

“It would have been unwise for me to lower my defenses,” said Vader during his testimony. “The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force, but using the Death Star was the best way to stop the threat posed by unarmed members of the Rebellion. They were running around chanting and carrying signs, and some had even broken the windows at a speeder store. What was I supposed to do?”

The trial comes over a year after the destruction of Alderaan, which played a pivotal role in the establishment of the Rebel Alliance and was becoming increasingly volatile as tensions grew over the abolishment of the Republic. Vader, a former pod racer from Tatooine, says the unrest is what drew him to Alderaan with his Death Star and a medical kit in what he described as an effort simply to protect private property during protests that broke out after the capture of Princess Leia.

“I find your lack of faith in me disturbing,” Vader testified. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire. I didn’t want to kill anybody, but if the Rebellion had taken my superlaser from me, they would have used it to destroy me, and probably more people, droids, Wookiees, and who knows how many more. They had failed me for the last time!”

Luckily for Vader’s defense team, the judge presiding over the trial is none other than Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, a power-hungry psychopath with a history of using his unchecked and unlimited power to make up his own rules. When asked for comment, Palpatine brushed off accusations of bias during the trial, and instead, used Force lightning against anyone who dared to question his fairness.