WASHINGTON, DC – After multiple interviews were uncovered showing Donald Trump claiming he was a “brave soldier” for avoiding STDs while sleeping around in the ’80’s and ‘90’s, the President awarded himself the prestigious Medal of Honor to commemorate his own courage and heroism.
“I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It was my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave soldier,” Trump can be heard saying on the recordings. He further compared his promiscuous single lifestyle during the AIDS epidemic of the 80’s to a theater of war by bragging about avoiding “potential landmines,” or women’s vaginas.
When the old interview tapes emerged, Trump immediately doubled down on his comments and announced his intentions to honor himself as a hero. “If I had come down with an STD back then, I might not have ended up as president today, and then where would we be? America wouldn’t be great again, and I’d just be a weird old guy with bad hair and the clap.”
The medal ceremony took place on the National Mall near the the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, where Trump was joined by his platoon of soldiers known as the “Boogaloo Bois,” whose ranks include Rudy Giuliani, Scott Baio, and the late Jeffrey Epstein, a designated “fallen hero” who put his life on the line to save Trump from political disaster.
“Dating is like being in Vietnam. You’re the equivalent of a soldier going over to Vietnam,” said Trump at the ceremony, while struggling to get the medal over his head without ruining his hair. “Other people were scared, but not me. Other than peaceful protestors, I’m not scared of anything. Anyone who used condoms were losers and suckers. Winners didn’t need any protection.”
When asked what he thought about people who avoided service by utilizing their privilege, Trump said, “To me, they’re the real heroes. It’s even hard to believe how they could do it. They’re absolute heroes. Playing tennis and golf six days a week with life threatening bone spurs takes some real guts.”