AUGUSTA, ME – After years of constant handwringing and pearl clutching, Republican Senator Susan Collins was reported to be completely free of any concern for the first time in her entire political career.
“This strange feeling has come over me – I dont quite know the word for it. I guess it’s ‘joy?'” Collins remarked, before aides quickly checked to make sure she wasn’t running a fever.
Doctors said they were initially more concerned about Collins’ sudden lack of concern than Sen. Mitch McConnell’s latest health scare, before remembering which patient they were actually supposed to be monitoring.
The historic moment came after Democrats watched their once-promising challenger, Graham Platner, end his campaign amid controversies involving a resurfaced Nazi-themed tattoo, multiple sexual assault allegations, and a painful period of self-reflection among primary voters who were forced to confront the possibility that the concerns they dismissed during the campaign may have been concerns for a reason.
“Maybe we should’ve vetted the guy before asking Maine voters to make him the Democratic nominee for U.S. senator,” admitted one anonymous Democratic operative while updating his LinkedIn profile.
At press time, Collins had resumed expressing ‘concern’ for the women who came forward with accusations against Platner, restoring the natural order of the universe.
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