Epstein Files Accidentally Lost In East Wing Demolition

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a tragic and totally unforeseeable accident, the long-awaited Epstein files were reportedly and accidentally destroyed this week when President Donald Trump ordered the demolition of the White House East Wing to make room for his new $300 million ballroom.

The surprise demolition began Monday without permits or approvals from the National Capital Planning Commission, which Trump claimed is lacking authority and “too deep state.” Construction crews – wearing red “Make America Grout Again” hard hats – quickly reduced the wing to rubble before the National Archives could retrieve the evidence-filled boxes labeled “Epstein: Do Not Shred.”

“Look, nobody told me the Epstein files were in there – if you even believe they existed in the first place,” said Trump during a press conference amidst the rubble. “Pam Bondi said those were just copies of Obama’s fake birth certificates. Maybe Hillary’s emails were in there, too, who knows? Frankly, it’s better off demolished. Terrible feng shui.”

When asked about the timing, FBI Director Kash Patel dismissed any suggestion of impropriety. “The President told me he had no knowledge those files were stored there, so that’s all the evidence I need,” he said.  “Instead of attacking our brilliant and handsome leader, maybe we should be more focused on more important things – like what I’m wearing to the ball.”

Trump later assured the public that the new ballroom will be “a beautiful tribute to transparency,” featuring mirrored ceilings, blackout curtains, and a VIP section called “The Island.”