WASHINGTON, DC – Facing mounting criticisms over embellishments and outright lies on his resume, newly elected congressman George Santos said he is prepared to defend himself just like he defended his Olympic gold medal against swimmer Katie Ledecky at the 2021 Tokyo summer games.
“I know what it’s like to be the underdog, down three pool lengths with the whole world watching,” said an upbeat Santos while waiting to hand a fake ID to US Capitol Police. “[Ledecky] thought she had an easy win, but she didn’t see me drafting off of Michael Phelps in the next lane, waiting to make my final move.”
Santos, a 34 year old (?) cancer survivor (??) who lives in Queens (also ???), has been caught recently in a truly impressive number of lies about his background and accomplishments. Among other things, Santos’ claims about his religion, education, employment history, financial status, the death of his mother, and the second, different death of the same mother, have all been questioned or proven false.
The exposure of these lies has started to draw the scrutiny of state, federal, and even international law enforcement agencies, but not Santos’ own political party, which seems uninterested in challenging him. “We’ve all seen The Talented Mr. Ripley,” said Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA). “If you push too hard on exposing someone like that, you end up getting bludgeoned to death in an apartment in Rome. No thank you.”
Regardless of the feelings of others, Santos himself maintains absolute confidence in himself. “I’ve always been a fighter,” said Santos. “I beat Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield, and Muhammed Ali, so you know I won’t back down from this fight either.”