WILMINGTON, DE – Joe Biden announced today that he has selected 17 vice presidential running mates in an unconventional attempt to unite every Democrat heading into the general election.
“We are going to need everybody engaged if we are going to defeat Donald Trump in November,” stated Biden during a virtual town hall from his home office. “Therefore I’ve selected multiple running mates, who I call the ‘Veep Dream Team’, representing every faction of the Democratic party that despises me for winning the nomination.”
Biden settled on this unorthodox approach after previously floating several potential candidates only to find that every choice had vocal detractors. Stacey Abrams (GA) is “too inexperienced”. Amy Klobuchar (MN) is “too mean.” Elizabeth Warren (MA) is “too correct about virtually everything.” Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) is “too blonde.”
“I made a promise to listen to and incorporate all good ideas to effectively create the most inclusive platform in the history of the Democratic party,” said Biden. “And right now, it’s clear those voices are saying they will not vote for me unless their favorite candidate is on the ticket. Well, then, mission accomplished.”
Keeping to his promise, Joe Biden selected all female candidates, including Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (who Biden plans to replace with Madisyn Bowman, the 13 year old president of the Sidwell Friends Mock Trial Team, in order to guarantee liberal representation on the Court for the next 80 years). In addition to Abrams, Klobuchar, Warren, and Gillibrand, Kamala Harris (CA) was picked to capture the west coast vote, Gretchen Whitmer (MI) to lock down gun-toting mid-westerners, and Tulsi Gabbard (HI) to excite the Surfers For Putin delegation.
The most surprising pick was former First Lady Michelle Obama, who has repeatedly confirmed her lack of interest in the position. Biden, however, argued strongly for an Obama on the ticket in the hopes that any future criticism or blunders could be addressed with the still-relevant #thanksobama hashtag.
Uniting both ends of the Democratic party was a particular challenge. To appeal to centrists, Biden tapped Tammy Duckworth and even Republican Susan Collins, who claims she has “grave concerns” about Trump’s re-election and “hasn’t yet decided who she wants to support.” To appeal to the progressive wing of the party, Biden selected Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib, though all three women were immediately branded “fake progressives” online as soon as they joined Biden’s campaign.
Rounding out the rest of Biden’s Veep Dream Team are Marianne Williamson, who will be called upon to use her magic crystals to unite the ghosts and spirits within the party, and Biden’s personal hero, Leslie Knope, even though he was told multiple times that fictional characters from a popular television show cannot hold real, non-fictional office.