WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking tweet this morning, Eric Trump, 35, announced that his personal medical examiner diagnosed him with bone spurs. The announcement was said to have nothing to do with a potential Middle East conflict, as “bone spurs are known to come and go in wealthy, white-privileged males,” according to the medical report.
“It’s sadly a genetic flaw in the Trump family,” stated Eric Trump after burying a long putt to make par at the 15th hole of his family’s Mar-A-Lago resort in Florida. “Luckily, it goes away once we turn 36, like it did for my brother, Donny Junior. It’s a rare, but common side affect of loving your country too much.”
The United States currently operates under an all-volunteer armed forces policy. All male citizens between the ages of 18 and 26 are required to register for the draft and are liable for training and service until the age of 35, which means, if the U.S. were to implement a draft, Eric still qualifies.
“We are looking to change the draft laws as they are tremendously unfair to women, ok? I mean, just horrible how women aren’t included,” stated President Trump. “My daughter, Tiffany, is only 26 and it makes no sense why she shouldn’t be drafted instead of Eric.”