Republicans Propose Massive Government Aid Package in Total Rebuke of Socialism

WASHINGTON, DC – In proposing a massive stimulus package aimed at rescuing ordinary Americans from an economic crisis caused by the Coronavirus pandemic, GOP leaders reminded the country that now is not the time for a socialist system of government.

“The government needs to stay out of the way of the free market…unless, that is, the free market is in free-fall,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “Then the government must step in. Picture something kind of like a net that would catch you should you happen to fall. I don’t expect Socialists to understand this very basic concept.”

Mnuchin has estimated the total cost of the necessary economic rescue package at one trillion dollars, which will double the current annual deficit. Republicans immediately praised the efforts as a necessary action, even though many scoffed at Democrats’ stimulus proposal during the financial crisis in 2008.

“You see, our stimulus plan is better than the Democrats’,” said Mnuchin. “They wanted to raise government revenues to pay for stimulus programs, and that’s evil Socialism. We won’t demand that any of our stimulus be paid for until years later, when a Democrat is in the White House again. That’s when deficit reduction becomes really important.”

Senator Mitt Romney also proposed giving each American adult $1,000, claiming it would help Americans in need, but was quick to clarify that in no way was his proposal some liberal government hand-out. When asked how his plan differed from Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang’s, Romney replied, “This is a Republican proposal. It’s completely different. Just like RomneyCare.”

As more and more Americans face economic uncertainty while stock markets continue to crash and businesses are forced to shutter, Republicans are urging Congress to act swiftly. “If we don’t pass this massive aid package, I guarantee a very high unemployment rate for Republicans in office. We must act now to save these jobs,” warned Mnuchin.