WASHINGTON, DC – In a stunning moment of national realization, Americans were reminded today that President Donald Trump has only been in office for 100 days, prompting widespread gasps, nervous laughter, and several cases of spontaneous vomiting.
“Wait…seriously? Just 100?” said a visibly shaken Carol Simmons of Des Moines, curled in a fetal position. “I really don’t think I can last another month.”
The White House released a glossy, typo-riddled pamphlet this morning titled “100 Days of Unprecedented Greatness,” touting the administration’s “tremendous” accomplishments, including tanking the stock market, deporting a Maryland resident to a Salvadoran prison by accident, starting a trade war, increasing inflation, and causing a recession.
“According to many, many people, this is the most successful first 100 days of any administration in the history of our nation,” said Trump said at a political rally in Michigan. “Better hug your MyPillow tight, because we’ve just gotten started. You haven’t seen anything yet.”
Meanwhile, economists confirmed that the only market sector currently booming is for therapeutic adult coloring books, now a near universal sight in every federal agency’s break rooms.
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference to mark the 100 day milestone, prescribing raw milk, echinacea, and positive thinking as a cure for national malaise, plummeting retirement accounts, and “that weird feeling in your chest when you check the news.”
“Ignore the polls,” Kennedy added. “The real approval rating is in your lymph nodes after you ingest a bunch of untested homeopathic supplements.”
In an attempt to distract from the fact that 100 days under Trump has felt like a thousand years inside a collapsing simulation to many Americans, the White House announced another new holiday, this time replacing Cinco de Mayo with “MAGA Victory Day.”
When asked what Americans can expect for the next 100 days, the president hinted at big plans: “We’re looking into gutting the Department of Agriculture and replacing it with an all-in-one McDonald’s-Taco Bell-KFC -Wendy’s-Burger King drive-thru, and, more importantly, imposing massive tariffs on negative presidential polls.”
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