TAKOMA PARK – After Chris Rogers blatantly ignored hundreds of daily emails from every Democratic federal, state and local candidate for elected office, each asking for only five dollars to keep their campaign alive, the Democratic Party was forced to dissolve, bringing an end to its 193-year history as a political entity.
“This is a very sad day for American democracy, and it’s all because of that asshole who refused to give us a few bucks even though we all know he has the money,” said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. “Our email couldn’t be more specific: ‘We’re going to die alone in a deep, dark hole unless you give us five dollars.’ We didn’t mince words here.”
Rogers said he has already given the Democratic Party over a thousand dollars this year but got annoyed when his inbox became flooded with fundraising solicitations asking him for even more money in order to avert certain disaster.
“To be honest, I would have given them $5, but their doom-and-gloom email made it sound like they were going to lose anyway. So I figured I’d rather buy an ice cream than invest in a sinking ship,” said Rogers. “Who knew that my five dollars was really all they needed to save them from the brink of collapse?”
Party leaders lamented the collapse this morning, noting that the Democrats were the world’s oldest continuously active political party. “Think of all this organization has lived through,” said Democratic party strategist James Carville. “A civil war, the Great Depression, the battle against the Nazis, the struggle for civil rights, somehow a battle against Nazis again…but we were ultimately destroyed by some goober getting a little aggressive with the unsubscribe button.”
As its final official act, the Democratic Party sent one last mass email thanking millions of grassroots supporters for contributing a record-breaking $750 million dollars to pay the party’s shutdown costs.