TAKOMA PARK, MD – Addressing residents at its weekly public meeting, the Takoma Park City Council laid out a far-reaching Climate Action Plan (CAP), which will ban all people from living in the city by 2045.
“We’ve been passive-aggressively trying to get residents to leave on their own using methods like never-ending road construction, property tax hikes, and adding sidewalks in front of their houses. Still, they just won’t go,” said the Mayor. “So now we must take aggressive measures to physically remove this invasive species. Pets can stay, though.”
To ensure all residents actually do leave the city by 2045, CAP creates a special task force with unhindered authority to break through front doors and remove unwilling residents from their homes. Once residents are removed, the task force will then be sure to outfit their homes with LED bulbs.
CAP also includes short term regulations designed to ensure residents will suffer immensely in the years before the 2045 deadline. Starting in 2028, all fossil fuel burning appliances must be removed, including stoves, water heaters, and furnaces. All homes must be heated using only electricity, interior composting, or heat generated from arguing on local listservs about CAP.
In another ambitious proposal, CAP will ban all gas-powered automobiles by 2035, at which time all vehicles remaining in the city must be either electric or powered by CBD oil. In anticipation of compliance difficulties, Amazon has already announced the cancelation of home delivery to Takoma Park, and firefighters are warning that houses may burn down before they arrive on foot.
“Our hope is that most residents will move to neighboring Kensington or Bethesda,” said the Mayor. “That will allow them to remain close enough to maintain their historic Victorian and Craftsman homes, which will likely be inhabited by raccoon and squirrel populations. They won’t want to miss out on that significant historic preservation tax credit.”
CAP also regulates commercial buildings within the city limits. For example, local businesses will not be allowed to turn on lights during operating hours.
“We’re going to have to learn to cut hair in the dark,” stated Scissor and Comb owner Ian Palmiero. “We’ll probably lose a bunch of clients, but at least we’ll save on our electric bill.”