WASHINGTON, DC – Fresh off a streak of pardoning convicts like Rob Blagojevich, Bernie Kerik, and Edward Debartolo Jr., President Donald Trump decided today to pre-pardon himself for all criminal convictions not only from his past, but also from his future.
“First of all, there is zero proof that I’ve committed a crime, okay?” said Trump at a White House briefing. “Second, even if there is proof, which I’m not saying there is, but if I ever do commit a crime, which I might consider – nobody can predict the future – I am officially pardoning myself. And everyone knows it would be the best crime ever. It really would.”
U.S. Attorney General William Barr confirmed that the President has the right to pardon whomever he wants without having to explain himself to anyone, including the U.S. Attorney General. “I guess it really doesn’t matter what I think anymore,” stated the former child actor from the hit TV series “Dinosaurs”.
After pardoning his future self, Trump then went on to pre-pardon several other future criminals, including Senior Advisor Stephen Miller’s unborn child, villain Simon Phoenix from the movie “Demolition Man”, and the 2021-24 World Series Champion Houston Astros.