WASHINGTON, DC – Recognizing customer frustration from the increasing number and frequency of recent unplanned service reductions, the Metro Board has decided to proactively announce the service plan that riders can expect next year: a 2-person handcar that will service each of the system’s 91 stations a maximum of twice a day.
“People are tired of being told that there aren’t enough safe train cars or certified drivers,” said Acting General Manager Andy Off. “So we’re solving the problem by eliminating both trains and drivers and just letting our riders self-propel themselves down the tracks on a handcar. I know that’s not the kind of shitty service most people would expect from the management of the country’s second busiest public transportation system, but it’s exactly what our riders expect of us.”
In advance of the service transition, Metro is recommending riders take steps to prepare themselves. “Riders may wish to start working on their upper body strength now, because it’s a long way from Silver Spring to Rosslyn, and that cart isn’t going to move itself,” said Off. “And given how long you’ll have to wait to get one of the two spots on the handcar, you may also want to pack yourself a survival kit for the inevitable two month wait on the platform.”
Customers have greeted Metro’s announcement with a variety of reactions. “My mom is pretty pissed,” said 10 year old Matthew McDouglas, who takes Metro to school in DC each day. “But that’s because she’s always talking about ‘the good old days’ when you could go 5 stops in less than 2 hours and only experience a derailment once or twice a week. That sounds fake to me, though. So I’m just glad they’ve got Wi-Fi for the next time I’m trapped in a tunnel fire.”
Angry representatives of the DC, Maryland and Virginia governments all vowed to oppose the 2023 changes, but Metro continues to move ahead with its planning. Officials have acquired the necessary handcar from a local theater that had one in storage after recently staging a drama set in Dust Bowl-era Oklahoma, and the Public Affairs Department ordered new signage with the system’s 2023 slogan: “Why Don’t You Just Fucking Walk?”
The new handcars will officially be in service in Spring of 2023. Even though the design of the new open-topped cars is more “outdoorsy” than that of its predecessor, riders are still not allowed to have food or drinks to protect the handcar’s signature Metro plush carpet flooring.