Elon Musk Joining Scientology To Get Away From All the Religious Crazies

On the heels of his announcement that he’s joining the Republican Party to avoid “division and hate,” billionaire Elon Musk made another senseless decision by declaring that he will join the Church of Scientology to avoid crazy religious zealots.

“In the past, I was an atheist because they were (mostly) kind and believed in science. But they’re so divisive with their petty separation of church and state, so I will become a Scientologist,” tweeted Musk. “Now, watch the atheists’ dirty constitutional rights campaign against me unfold,” he added with a popcorn emoji.

Musk, who claims to have never believed in an afterlife, made the decision after seeing atheists and religious progressives speak out against religion-based extremism, such as taking away a woman’s right to choose an abortion or a woman’s right to speak out against billionaires making sexual advances on female flight attendants working for their company. Claiming they are “too woke” for his taste, Musk decided to instead join Scientology, where he says he will have “unlimited freedom” to do as he pleases except for ever being allowed to criticize or leave Scientology.

“Americans are tired of hardcore progressive zealots who insist on pursuing controversial goals like gay marriage and not forcing children to pray in schools,” said Musk. “If given the choice between a group of people who believe in personal rights and a group of people that aren’t allowed to have any friends outside of their religion, it’s a no-brainer – I’m joining the cult. I don’t have friends anyway.”

After being indoctrinated into believing that an alien dictator named Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth in a spacecraft 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs, Musk announced several other confusing decisions, including moving to Antarctica to avoid cold weather, running a coal mine to help the environment, and selling LuLaRoe to get rich quick selling quality products.