Americans Anxious for Coronavirus Cure So They Can Return to Having Poor Hygiene

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With stores nationwide sold out of soap, sanitizer, and toilet paper, Americans cannot wait until the coronavirus has been eliminated so they can return to the days of not having to wash their hands after going to the bathroom.

“My hands are so dry,” said Dan Jones. “I’ve never washed my hands this much before. After I pee, after blowing my nose, after I pick up dog poop…it’s just so inconvenient. I hate this new normal.”

Simple routines like shaking hands, touching door knobs, and handling money have turned into frightening moments for people as they realize how easily infectious diseases could spread to them.

“Life is just scary right now,” said Amy Drake as she wiped her nose with her bare hand and then reached for the ketchup bottle at a local restaurant. “People can be so disgusting.”

The rapid spread of Coronavirus within the U.S. has, at minimum, taught everyday Americans to be more concerned with personal hygiene, and has created some good habits like washing your hands frequently, avoiding touching your face, and not being an annoying close-talker at social gatherings. However, with everyone on high alert, some false information has naturally made its way into common circulation.

“I heard some people think you should get the virus on purpose just to get it over with,” said Gene Lambert. “Can you believe anyone is so clueless about health and sanitation? But they are. I read all about it in a newspaper I found on the floor of the men’s bathroom.”