ANNAPOLIS, MD – At a party event this weekend, Maryland Democratic officials patted themselves on the back for their surplus of impressive, fully qualified female candidates who are ready to lead the state only if its male leader dies first or becomes otherwise incapable of continuing to serve.
“Women make up more than 50% of the population of Maryland,“ said Democratic strategist Guy Mann. “So, naturally, we are thrilled that they make up essentially 100% of the candidates for lieutenant governor, a position that has no actual duties under the state constitution and that, in practice, mostly attends ceremonial events that the governor thinks are too lame to attend himself.”
Eight of the nine major Democratic gubernatorial candidates this year are men (the sole female candidate is a Republican elected official who only recently switched parties), virtually guaranteeing that the statewide elected offices in Maryland will continue to be a near total political sausage fest. Party officials, however, insist they are not to blame for the lack of women at the top of the ticket.
“You could argue that we haven’t done enough to encourage, support and promote the great female politicians in our state,” said Mann. “But the simple fact is that we don’t have female candidates who are ready to be elected governor. We only have candidates who meet all of the same legal requirements and are ready to step in to lead in an inherent time of crisis that has deprived the state of its most senior political official, which is totally different.”
Women organizers in the state remain disappointed by the situation, but party leaders are uninterested in fielding their complaints. “We’re going to have a female governor someday,” said former Democratic campaign manager Peter Johnson. “It’s only been 245 years, so what’s the big deal if it’s not this year, or even four or eight or twelve years from now? At some point, it will almost definitely probably happen, and until then, I would ask these ladies to calm down. No one likes a pushy broad.”