Takoma Park Announces Plans for New High School

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Since Washington Adventist Hospital’s long planned relocation this past summer, city officials have been studying various plans for the 14.5 acre site, including an aquatic center, low income housing, and even paving the entire thing over with asphalt to create a beautiful, free parking lot. After months of heated debate, the city council voted 5-2 in favor of an entirely new proposal: Takoma Park High School (TPHS).

“Montgomery Blair High is overcrowded. It’s about time we got our own high school,” stated Mary Rogers. “Plus, I can brag about living in the premier TPHS school district. It’s all about status.”

The new high school will not be a part of the Montgomery County Public School district, however, due to its unique play-based curriculum. There will be no tests, no defined classroom space, and students probably won’t have any transferable course credits.

“We assume kids should also attend Blair High School if they want to go to college,” stated the Mayor. “Homeschooling is also not off the table.”

Sports teams will compete against other county teams, however, school rules mandate that all games will end in a tie. Sports events and pep rallies will be greeted by the new school mascot, Greta Thunberg, and a large participation trophy case will greet students entering the gym. While sports teams will remain non-competitive, the TPHS debate team expects to be nationally ranked in their inaugural year.

School lunch will be completely free to all students regardless of income level. The cafeteria will only serve organic, plant-based food without additives or sugars. Any student caught with such items in their possession will be disciplined by having to watch Super Size Me. Weed is totally cool though.

Politics will play a very large role in the school curriculum. At the beginning of each school year, students will vote to elect their principal, vice principal, and other faculty members. They are also required to walk-out on Fridays to stage a protest. Students who do not walk-out lose their right to vote in the next election and must attend a harsh detention; a three-hour lecture on the emoluments clause by Congressman Jamie Raskin.

All teachers will be paid local prevailing babysitting wages, allowing some teachers to earn up to $235,500 annually. Science class will teach holistic medicine practices and vaccinations will be optional.

“The best part is TPHS won’t have issues with students always on their cell phones,” stated Constance Komplanor. “The entire campus will be blocked from the harmful effects of cellular radio frequencies.”

In order to avoid being labeled as another liberal, elitist safe haven, TPHS will also provide classes in vocational trades like typewriter repair, kombucha brewing, and woodworking, where students can learn how to make drafty, historically accurate window sashes.

TPHS expects to open in 2028 after almost a decade of expected delays, protests, and the loss of two trees. Tuition will be free to all Takoma Park residents, but property taxes will increase $25k per household.

The goal is to build a campus that is environmentally friendly and generates more energy than it consumes. To do so, the buildings must be constructed using trash collected from Sligo Creek, and all students will have to walk or ride bikes to school. A large parking lot will be built, but it can only be used for dance classes and setting up possible impeachment petitions against the school president.

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