TAKOMA PARK, MD – Maryland State Delegate David Moon made national news last month after posting video footage of a thief stealing his car right out of his own driveway. What made the video go viral was not the loss of his car, but the grainy footage of Moon performing a physical motion similar to running out of the house with a broom, thinking his witchcraft powers could stop the thief.
“I watched a ton of Harry Potter movies the last few days, so I honestly believed I could chase him down like a Seeker in Quidditch,” stated Moon. “Turns out a Nissan Versa is much faster than a Golden Snitch, and a broom purchased at Strosniders is nothing like a Nimbus 2001.”
After having to spend two weeks taking public transportation, Moon sought to fight his depression by binging on Popeye’s chicken sandwiches and taking out his aggression on Bethesda school district realtors.
“It was a dark time for me,” stated Moon. “I even dressed up as Phantom of the Co-opera for Halloween so no one could see my tears.”
Today however, Moon announced that his car was returned. As Moon opened the glove compartment to check if his Adele and Miley Cyrus CD’s were still there, he was shocked to find a hand written letter from the thief containing a heartfelt apology, and some cash.
“It was a very nice letter,” stated Moon. “In it, the anonymous thief said they realized how little I earn as a state delegate for all the time and energy spent dealing with constituent complaints. They also told me they enjoyed my Facebook posts promoting legalizing marijuana. That must explain the smell of the car’s interior.”
Moon, a criminal justice system reformer, has chosen not to press charges, citing the generosity of the car thief leaving receipts inside showing it had been taken to a local repair shop for a badly needed oil change and other routine maintenance, and that no one should ever go to prison. A new pine tree car freshener was also installed to get rid of the smell of fast food.
Some believe DC Mayor Muriel Bowser was behind the theft, as the two politicians battled over condiments in a social media fight for the ages. Bowser’s staff has yet to respond to our inquiries, Tweeting only the following message: “Old Bay sucks! #MumboJumbo”
In an effort to prevent a future theft, Moon immediately installed an Elizabeth Warren sticker on the bumper, letting everyone know that he supports MediCar for All, reminding us that one day our cars will be taken away and replaced with a limited number of predetermined models.