After an historic Super Tuesday this week, it became clear that the nation was tired of the long held establishment of old, white men in the Oval Office. With sweeping victories for Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, voters loudly communicated that what they want, instead, is even older white men.
“Given the problems created by the old white men who have run the country for the past 244 years, it’s obvious that the only solution is to stop electing these same people, over and over and over,” stated Larry Palmer, 75. “Electing even older white men should fix everything this time. Trust me.”
Although the lone remaining female candidate provided very detailed policy plans that specifically diagnosed and addressed exactly how to fix most high priority problems, those plans had just way too many words for the average American and made them feel like they were in school learning something.
“I mean, Elizabeth Warren made a lot of sense and all,” stated Gerald Donahue, 80. “But, honestly I’ve never heard of a female U.S. president who led our nation out of a war or recession that we created. Now is not the time to try new things.”
Many voters denied that their lack of support for Warren was rooted in sexism. “It’s not that I don’t support female candidates,” said Arthur Milligan, 67. “She just wasn’t the right female candidate. Neither were the other five female candidates who ran this year. Or the one who ran last time. Or, let’s be honest, the ones who will run next time. But, you know, I’m still totally open to considering the concept of a potential future hypothetical female candidate some day.”
With the 2020 presidential election now essentially between Donald Trump, 73, Biden, 77, and Sanders, 78, the next Commander in Chief is guaranteed to break the record for the oldest elected president.
“It’s finally our moment. Tonight, we shattered the glass ceiling,” stated Roger Atkinson, 87. “And as we jumped for joy after the election results, we quite possibly shattered our hips.”