WHEATON, MD – Guilt-ridden after having shoved new bike lanes down residents’ throats, a local group of cyclists are delivering hot Thanksgiving meals to families stranded in their cars due to bike lane-induced gridlock on University Boulevard.
“We feel really bad that these families won’t make it home on Thanksgiving because we got the state to dedicate a tiny fraction of total road space to preventing cyclists from being killed,” said Gil Espy, one of the architects of the bike lanes. “We figured if they’re going to be angry and yelling about something the government did, they should be doing so while eating turkey and stuffing like the rest of us.”
Maryland State Highway Administration officials first installed the bike lanes just before an afternoon rush hour back in June, immediately stranding thousands of hard-working drivers during their evening commutes. As of press time, eight of those drivers had finally made it home. The rest are still out there, idling, honking, and desperately missing their families and a night in their own beds.
“I’m just visiting here from Minnesota to attend my daughter’s wedding,” said Jim Gunderson, 63, while straightening up the makeshift sleeping space in the back of his Toyota Prius. “We’ve already had to postpone the ceremony twice. She’s three blocks back with her fiance.”
Espy is seeking volunteers among the cycling community to help out with meal delivery, but he admits it’s difficult. According to thorough research by bike lane opponents on Twitter, “only, like, four bicyclists have ever used the lanes, and none of them even live around here or care about anyone other than themselves.”
After receiving a hot Thanksgiving meal delivered by Espy, a driver who hadn’t eaten in days was heard giving thanks to the bicyclists before pulling his minivan into the bike lane to enjoy his dinner.