TAKOMA PARK, MD – In a shocking turn of events, the Maryland Chapter of Moms For Lucifer (M4L) have announced that they find the teachings of love, kindness, and community service prevalent in local public schools to be in direct violation of their Satanic religious beliefs and are demanding an opt-out provision for their children.
Head of M4L, Heltana Slayer of Menucha, voiced her concerns, stating, “Our young followers are being subjected to an alarming level of positivity. Everywhere they turn, they’re being encouraged to help one another, be kind, and spread love. These teachings are a clear attempt to undermine our core beliefs, which include mischief, mean-spirited pranks, and dark eyeliner.”
MCPS schools, often celebrated for their inclusive policies and understanding of diverse cultures, find themselves in a perplexing position. Principal Sarah Adams of Piney Branch Elementary responded, “We’ve always prided ourselves on creating an environment where all students feel safe and respected. But figuring out how to respect someone’s rejection of respect is a real puzzler.”
In addition to demanding an opt-out, M4L has also put forward a curriculum they’d like to see implemented. This includes classes like “Intro to Light Hexing,” “Basics of Goat Care,” and “Advanced Fire Safety.” Heltana passionately explained, “We’re not monsters. We just want our little devils to have an education that aligns with our beliefs.”
Local M4L member and baking enthusiast, Janice O’Dell, expressed her concerns, “My son came home the other day and said he helped a fellow student pick up their dropped books. I was horrified! Where is he learning such behavior? Certainly not at home!”
While the debate rages on, students find themselves caught in the middle. Little Lucy Damien, a proud third-grade Satanist, lamented, “I just want to fit in. But every time I try to summon a small rain cloud over someone’s head, my teacher tells me to ‘spread sunshine’ instead. It’s so confusing!”
It remains to be seen if the Board of Education will give in to Satanists’ opt out demands. In the meantime, M4L is planning an Antichrist rally at the Silver Spring Civic Center this weekend, which will include snacks like deviled eggs, pasta fra diavolo, and pineapple on pizza.