TAKOMA PARK, MD – Jonathan Greene sits on the front porch of his 1930’s bungalow with a smug expression on his face as he watches his neighbors painstakingly hang their Christmas lights in 30 degree weather.
“They made fun of me all year,” said the smug Greene while sipping his pumpkin spice latte. “Look who’s getting made fun of now!”
Greene, a self-described expert on efficiency, said he spent a lot of time during the summer months dealing with harassment from members of his listserv, as well as his father, who made him put up and take down lights on their house throughout his childhood.
“In August, they told me I was lazy and that my house looked tacky,” said Greene. “Since Thanksgiving though, I haven’t received a single complaint. You’re welcome.”
Neighbor Gretchen McCarthy said she and a group of passive aggressive neighbors made several attempts to reach out to Greene to find a mutually beneficial solution, even offering to remove the lights a few weeks after Christmas last year.
“He never returned any of our twenty two strongly worded letters,” McCarthy explained. “We had no other choice but to make repeated anonymous complaints to code enforcement officials. Unfortunately, they were too busy dealing with the tens of thousands of other anonymous complaints from residents all over the city. So here we stand.”
Last year, Greene left his Christmas tree up in the front window to save even more time, but doing so turned out to be a bad idea.
“I thought it would be nice for the neighbors to see a beautifully decorated tree all year when walking by at night,” Greene stated. “But instead, they kept calling the Takoma Park Police to make sure I hadn’t died alone in my house.”