TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Takoma Park City Council proudly announced a huge budget surplus projected for fiscal years 2021 and beyond thanks to a new initiative to begin selling Amway products.
“Originally, we were facing a $600,000 deficit without even factoring in lost revenue from the Coronavirus pandemic,” said the Mayor. “However, after meeting with an Amway Sales representative and discussing where we would like to be in the next five years, we discovered that we have millions of dollars of potential that we just need to unlock within ourselves.”
The council was introduced to the idea through a brief Power Point presentation about “an interesting business opportunity” by some dude named Doug on Sycamore Avenue. After hearing his pitch, the council unanimously approved a measure to sign up for Amway immediately, professing a desire to “get in on the ground floor and make millions while working from home in our spare time.”
The city’s new Multi-Level Marketing Task Force has already spent thousands of tax dollars to purchase Amway’s required minimum inventory, to the delight of the city’s “up line” sponsor in the Montgomery County Amway Agency. Next, the city plans to deploy sales agents to local grocery stores and coffee shops with the goal of recruiting new “down line” members by awkwardly cornering strangers and asking them extremely personal questions about their financial goals and personal ambitions.
“Joining Amway is going to save our annual budgets for the foreseeable future, and the best part is that it will be super easy,” explained the City Manager. “All we need to do is get five people to sign up, then have those five people each recruit five people, and then each of those five people recruit five people. I haven’t double checked the math, but I was told we’d be rich.”
All Takoma Park Amway products will be branded with the Task Force’s new logo: a bright yellow triangle that represents “the funneling of new revenue up from the tax base to City Hall,” according to Task Force Chair Chad DeVos. When asked to clarify concerns that the logo, as well as the entire initiative, suggests an illegal pyramid scheme, the city council assured everyone it was legit and promised that the new revenue would benefit all residents.
“We’re going to see such great revenue that we can begin lowering property taxes,” said the Mayor. “And, in fact, we’ve already expanded the Task Force in order to fund additional free parking and a local version of Medicare for All by signing up for Herbalife, Avon and Lula Roe. What could possibly go wrong?”