TAKOMA PARK, MD – After a unanimous vote to reject a small development project that would have turned Takoma Park into Bethesda, the City Council chose to support the will of the people and steer the city toward becoming more like the Village of Chevy Chase instead.
“We realized it was time to shed this image of Takoma Park as always being against something, so we decided it was time to be FOR something,” said the Mayor. “We are no longer anti-Bethesdafication. Now we are pro Chevy Chase-ification.”
The change in direction came after the city council decided that the People’s Republic of Takoma Park was never going to support any policy proposal that could be described as threatening to the “character” of their neighborhood. By choosing to copy the strict zoning laws of Chevy Chase, which effectively prohibit any new commercial and multi-family development, Takoma Park is now following the exact trajectory to becoming another exclusive enclave for wealthy, white “progressives” who despise most actual progress.
“I’m so glad we saved our city from house flippers and developers who only care about money,” said Parker Lane while reviewing plans to double the size of her single family home. “I want Takoma Park to become a city that actually cares about people – people who are in desperate need of protecting the value of their houses from low income riff raff.”
While some Takoma Park residents worried about having to walk back years of derogatory remarks targeting Chevy Chase residents, many still welcomed the decision with open arms.
“Even though I grew up with crunchy granola Takoma Park folks, I’ve always felt a strong connection to the people of Chevy Chase,” said Lane. “Whether it’s fighting against a new dog park, protecting precious street parking from renters, or calling code enforcement to complain about peeling paint on my neighbor’s fence, Chevy Chase just feels like a second home to me, which is funny because that’s where my second home is located.”
Hearing the news, Chevy Chase leaders grew excited at the possibility of expanding their city by merging with their newly aligned neighbors and creating Chevy Chase Sections 6, 7 and 8 in the areas that are currently part of Takoma Park. “A merger with Takoma Park makes perfect sense to us,” said Chevy Chase Section 5 Chairman George Calvert. “We need a strong alliance to ensure white people over the age of 65 remain in complete control of all municipal decisions in Montgomery County.”
Fitting in with Chevy Chase won’t be easy. To do so, Takoma Park residents would have to rescind its support for the Purple Line Transit Project, rent-control in apartment buildings, and backyard chicken coops. They would also have to give up plans to create affordable housing at the former Washington Adventist Hospital site, which is now planned to become the Chevy Chase East Country Club after swift approval by County Executive Marc Elrich.
