SILVER SPRING, MD – Homeowners and contractors throughout Montgomery County are struggling to obtain Reynolds Wrap in order to protect households from life-threatening 5G wireless technology by installing tin foil roofing.
“I’ve checked every store in a 25 mile radius and nobody seems to have any aluminum foil left,” said Theodore Moscato of Silver Spring. “I hear there’s a small amount still available on Amazon, but by the time I drive home, fire up Windows 95, and connect through dial-up, I’m sure it will be gone.”
With more and more major cities around the country already expanding 5G technology – including Washington, DC – it’s only a matter of time before the county council approves the installation of 5G cell towers throughout Montgomery County. The rush to protect homes in advance of the approval has not only created a massive shortage of aluminum foil but has also caused a 7000% increase in the cost of the material over the past month.
The shortage is further ramping up concerns among residents of Takoma Park’s Historic District, who need approval from Montgomery County’s Historic Preservation Commission (HPC) before they can buy the tin foil for the roofs of their historic homes. According to HPC, building materials must be compatible with the historic character of the building, but special exceptions can be made for reasons involving accessibility, safety, and ridiculous conspiracy theories.
“The supply of foil is going to be totally exhausted soon, but our historic approval hearing isn’t for another three weeks,” said Elissa Livestrong of Maple Avenue. “Hopefully the many layers of lead paint in our house will keep us safe in the meantime.”
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Reynolds said the recent sales spikes are due only to the quality of their product and denied any knowledge of or interest in conspiracy theories. The official Twitter page of the company, however, has links to several YouTube videos “proving” that the January 6 insurrection at the US Capitol was coordinated by Antifa, the earth is actually flat, and 9/11 was an inside job.