MoCo Executive Marc Elrich Visits China to Learn How to Build Great Wall Around Bethesda

BEIJING, CHINA – County Executive Marc Elrich announced he is in China this week, specifically to study the Great Wall so he can build a full-scale replica around Bethesda, protecting the rest of Montgomery County from the fast-growing, economic center.

“First it was downtown Bethesda,” said Elrich, speaking from the Great Wall National Park outside of Beijing. “Then…North Bethesda. If we don’t learn from the Ming Dynasty and their approach to protecting themselves from the raids of the 16th century Mongols, Takoma Park might wake up one day with its own Pike and Rose. And that’s when society collapses.”

Elrich, currently on what county officials insist is a research mission and not a taxpayer-funded dim sum tour, was photographed shaking hands with Chinese officials while standing next to a 3D rendering of an enormous stone barrier encircling downtown Bethesda, stretching from NIH to the Container Store. Officials say the purpose of the wall will be to protect the county’s most vulnerable communities from the unchecked spread of capitalism, mixed-use development, and $19 lattes.

“People keep telling me I need to keep up with Virginia in terms of economic development,” Elrich told reporters. “Well, here it is – China will upskill the 2 million workers needed to build this wall and it will only cost $1 trillion. I challenge my opponents to explain why this isn’t the ideal investment in our County’s future!”

Elrich ended his trip with a ceremonial exchange of parking enforcement robots with the Chinese officials and announcing plans for two other mega infrastructure projects inspired by his visit, including a “Silk Trail” driving tour route of the County’s best surface lots and a “Forbidden Zone” zoning overlay to protect Takoma Park from dangerous 5G cell phone tower waves.