WASHINGTON, DC – Amazon founder Jeff Bezos sent shockwaves around the world when he announced he would step down as CEO of the trillion dollar corporation in order to spend more time on hobbies, like completing construction of his own Death Star.
“It’s been a great pleasure force-choking mom and pop businesses out of the market, but now I’m ready to take on bigger challenges,” said Bezos. “My new business plan can destroy entire world economies by providing two day delivery of a superlaser to any planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, as long as you commit to an annual subscriber fee.”
Bezos, who developed space expertise after founding his side company, Blue Origin, in 2000, has amassed enough wealth to finance the completion of his own real-life Death Star. Bezos’ version will incorporate obvious improvements over Darth Vader’s design to better protect against potential attacks by X Wing fighters sent by future Galactic Senate Majority Leader Elizabeth Warren.
Among the improvements will be the addition of millions of individual defensive fighter jets, acquired by subcontracting with companies who plan to convert delivery van fleets into aircraft. Bezos also plans to wring more labor hours from his workforce by crushing the nascent stormtroopers union, increasing blaster-shots-per-officer quotas, and shortening staff bathroom breaks despite the difficulty of taking off the entire uniform just to pee.
“The first two Death Stars admirably served the empire, but they failed because they didn’t make use of the ultimate evil: capitalism,” stated Bezos. “People need to learn to give in to their hate of paying federal taxes. Only then can they experience the power of the Supply Side.”
When asked if he felt his plan to create an actual version of a fictitious planet-destroying space station was a little outlandish, Bezos replied, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”