George Washington Boasts of Record Stock Prices Since His Presidency

MOUNT VERNON, VA – As the Dow Jones Index continues its bullish climb above 30,000, the ghost of President George Washington immediately claimed the nation owes him credit for record stock prices since his inauguration in 1789.

“Thanks to me, stocks are at the highest they’ve ever been and we also have more jobs than ever before,” said the late Washington through a medium. “Just imagine how high stocks like Apple or Tesla would be today if hadn’t chosen to gracefully step down after two terms.”

George Washington decided to speak up after modern-day Democrats and Republicans continued to tout their own presidents’ effect on the markets before they even took office.

Republicans have been claiming that Trump is responsible for the sharp rise in stocks starting the day of the 2016 election, months before he actually took office, while Democrats brag that the stock market is up almost 50% since Joe Biden took the clear lead in the polls during his campaign in April 2020. Washington quickly put both parties in their place.

“The Dow Jones didn’t even exist when I took office, so based on my calculations, I increased the markets by infinity,” said Washington. “If any president after me wants to claim credit for the record stock prices and challenge my recollection of events, well, we all know that I can’t tell a lie.”

Asked if he felt the stock market was a better indicator of the overall health of the economy than average wages, Washington responded, “Wait, you mean you all actually pay people for their labor?”