Marjorie Taylor Greene Demands Parkway Deli Not Use ‘Jewish Space Lasers’ To Toast Bagels

SILVER SPRING, MD – Freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, an adherent of the radical right wing conspiracy group QAnon, turned heads at Parkway Deli this morning when she demanded that her poppy seed bagel not be toasted with the restaurant’s secret Jewish space lasers.

“You can’t fool me. I know what’s going on back in that kitchen, and, let me tell you, I won’t stand for it,” Greene was heard saying. “If my bagel comes back even a shade darker than lightly toasted, I’ll be doing a full investigation of this place, starting with the basement!”

Greene visited the popular Jewish deli today after forgetting that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays, leaving her with no access to her regular chicken biscuit with a large side of homophobia. Upon seeing a long line of Parkway customers waiting in the snow, Greene immediately removed her mask with the word “censored” imprinted on the front, and began yelling at the staff to let her cut ahead of the crowd.

“I didn’t become a member of Congress to be forced to stand in the back of the line like Rosa Parks had to do when she used the Underground Railroad to escape Florida during the Spanish American War,” said the newly appointed member of the House Education Committee. “Besides, under the second amendment of the Declaration of Independence, my right to access concealed carry-out cannot be infringed.”

When asked to comment on those who consider her statements offensive, Greene insisted that she is no bigot. “It’s not hateful to say that Jewish people have secret space lasers,” she said. “They’re the ones who are hateful for not offering to use their technology to help us clear all this snow off of our driveways.”