WASHINGTON, DC – After sitting in a weather-related traffic jam on Interstate 95 for 27 hours, Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA) finally arrived to his office at the US Capitol looking extremely excited.
“It was probably the most fun I’ve ever had in my entire life!” exclaimed the former Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate. “While most people around me were visibly freaking out, I found being all alone in a compact car allowed me to finally let loose. I had all kinds of fun, like clipping my toenails and counting the number of out-of-state license plates while jamming out to some AM radio.”
Kaine, who described himself as “the boring candidate” while running alongside Hillary Clinton in 2016, found himself stranded on a 48-mile stretch of highway south of Washington after a surprise storm dumped several inches of snow and caused numerous accidents and jackknifed tractor-trailers. Alongside Kaine were thousands of other families trapped in their vehicles without food, water, or heat as cars sat idle to preserve fuel.
“The number of cars stranded with me was unbelievable,” said Kaine. “It must have been at least ten times larger than any crowd that came to see me during my run for Vice President.”
Kaine added that while he was happy to have eventually made it to his destination, he will always treasure this time alone. “Everyone has told me they would have gone insane in my place yesterday,” said Kaine. “But sitting alone in 20-plus hours of traffic is way more exciting than my day job of listening to Senator Hawley complain about how hard it is for straight, white males to avoid watching porn these days.”