TAKOMA PARK, MD – Today the city council announced a 13 million dollar deal to relocate the infamous Wendy’s restaurant in NoMa DC to the middle of the intersection at the Takoma Junction.
“This iconic fast food restaurant is famous for inconveniencing an entire city’s urban planning efforts, and is exactly what we need to finally bring a solution to our own unpopular intersection,” said the Mayor of Takoma Park. “Plus, the entire city can smell like french fries.”
The move comes after DC officials used eminent domain to acquire the property where the Wendy’s sits in order to redesign the infamously awkward traffic pattern, nicknamed “Dave Thomas Circle,” that surrounds the eatery. With Takoma Park looking to improve its own dangerous intersection, they realized that placing a fast food drive-thru right in the middle would not only improve safety for pedestrians and cyclists, but also fit in well with the Junction’s other historic, fossil fuel reliant features, like old gas stations and asphalt parking lots.
“Many people may not be aware of this, but Wendy’s played a huge role in L’Enfant’s plan,” said Pierce Lawrence of Historic Takoma. “According to our records, L’Enfant devised his orthogonal street pattern for DC after eating a square shaped hamburger for the first time. We simply must respect the historical significance of this event.”
Takoma Park residents were lukewarm to the announcement. “It’s not exactly what I hoped for, but at least it will be slightly more convenient than what is there now,” said Jake Peters. “At least I can grab lunch while waiting forever for the damn signal to change.”
In an effort to fit more into the highly progressive community, Wendy’s has decided to add more Takoma Park-friendly items to the menu, such as the Kombucha Frosty and the Veganator, a meatless and flavorless alternative to the Baconator. Construction will begin in 2021 despite unanimous disapproval by the Maryland State Highway Administration and the Montgomery County Planning Commission.