Judge Rules Gov. Hogan Must File Legal Appeals Through His Administration’s Shitty Unemployment Online Portal

ANNAPOLIS, MD – After losing four straight times in an attempt to end Maryland’s extended federal unemployment benefits, a state judge ordered Governor Larry Hogan to refile any future appeals through the same slow online unemployment portal system his administration runs.

“The Governor doesn’t get special treatment; he needs to get in line with everyone else who has been waiting for answers about unemployment concerns,” said Baltimore Circuit Judge Lawrence Fletcher-Hill. “He just needs to go online, push the reapply button, answer 7 screens of questions, upload his tax documents, receive an error message, start all over, and repeat the process until he’s so frustrated that he eventually gives up. That’s really all the problem is.”

Last month, Hogan announced the termination of Maryland’s participation in the pandemic-related federal unemployment extension. He claims that a reduction in benefits is needed to spur economic growth by incentivizing people back to work at menial jobs that pay poverty wages while failing to protect employees’ health.

“Mathematically, it just makes sense to end this program,” said Hogan. “Based on my calculations, an extra $300 a week is more than enough to cover the cost of housing, car payments, gas, health insurance, groceries, utilities, clothing, tuition, and all other monthly expenditures. Who wouldn’t quit their job to collect unemployment?”

After Hogan filed repeated meritless appeals of a temporary restraining order to keep Maryland in the unemployment program, a state judge finally decided to slow the Governor’s litigiousness by forcing him to file all further appeals through his own hopelessly broken benefits application system. The order has already proved successful in baffling Hogan.

“I’m so confused by this horrible system full of endless technical glitches!” shouted an angry Hogan while on hold waiting to talk to an actual human for assistance. “Whose bright idea was it to save a few bucks by cutting government jobs and trying to automate complicated and sensitive processes!?”

Hogan is currently on his own to navigate the online portal system, as all of his lawyers quit in order to collect lucrative unemployment checks.