TAKOMA PARK, MD – The city council has released the dates for its final three public meetings on the development at Takoma Junction, and the final vote is planned for Cinco De Mayo in order to celebrate the end of this seemingly endless debate.
“We’ll have three more meetings and then I’ll be three sheets to the wind,” said the Mayor while filling up a shopping cart at the county-run liquor store. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this day to come. Also, do you happen to know if Main Street Takoma is selling shot glasses with rainbow colored roosters on them?”
Much like the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, the final battle over an asphalt parking lot will likely go down in history as a turning point for Takoma Park a mere 160 years later. Even though the city council has maintained a solid 5-2 vote in favor of the development throughout the course of the project, opponents hope to use the first two work sessions, scheduled for April 14 and 28, to flip two council members by repeating everything they’ve already said over and over again, but with even more passion and hyperbole.
“We tried to move one of the meetings to 4/20 so we could get really high while listening to hours of public testimony, but the city attorney freaked out on us,” said the Mayor. “But I’m still going to enjoy May 5th when we get to hear the most passionate testimony of all from my good friend, Jose Cuervo.”
In an internal document obtained via the Freedom of Information Act, a message from the city manager to the city council outlined what appeared to be a set of rules for a drinking game during residents’ testimony. Some of the rules include the Mayor taking blind-folded swings at a co-op shaped piñata before the final vote, and all city council members taking a shot of tequila each time someone says “Bethesdafication.”
Even though all meetings will be held virtually due to COVID-19 restrictions, the city council plans to provide a fiesta-like atmosphere to continue perpetuating the ridiculous Americanized version of the Mexican holiday, including wearing sombreros and hiring a mariachi band to start playing when the 3-minute limit for individual testimony has been reached.